Here in lies a rub. When you are learning something new, have you noticed how mistakes occur? Even knowing this, there is a part of us that thinks “I should know how to do this.” This is even though you’ve never seen it done, watched a video or had someone show you.

Consider the idea that mistakes are part of the process. Striving for perfection can cause all sorts of challenges, one of which is stopping the idea. The other is making things way more complicated and taking way longer to complete.

Perfect example. When UPS started out, they sent out 1,000 packages. Do you know how many got to there mark? Three. 3! Being smart they didn’t say, “Oh my goodness, we’ll never get it done. 997 packages didn’t get to where they were supposed to. We’re awful!” What they did was focus on the three. The three that worked. They discovered what they did correctly and do more of it. They didn’t focus on the “failure,” (and I use that term loosely), they focused on what worked and did more of it.

When I’m asked by people to help them market, I don’t tell them, “Do Step 1, Step 2 and Step 3.” I suggest they look back, see what’s worked for them and do more of it.

Things that don’t work, or “failures” are merely part of the journey. Thomas Edison is a great example. 5000 attempts to find the correct filament. 5000 failures. 5000 that didn’t works. Do you know what he said when he was asked about all these “failures?” He said, “I didn’t fail once. Each one that didn’t work was a step towards finding the one that did!”

Consider this idea next time you take on a new project, idea or venture. Do your homework, ask questions then go forward and succeed. Focus on what you want to do, the goal, where you are going. Succeed through trial and error. Perfection is unattainable.

Keywords: Success, Staff Development, Keynote Speaker Seattle, Self Worth, Workplace Improvement

No need to worry about it. Remember the truth of who you are – your skill level and focus on the big picture. All will work out okay.

Remind yourself and your staff of this, often.

Happy February! I know this year is going well for you, and I hope 2011 exceeds your expectations.

I recently did a training for the Washington State Department of Personnel, and you guessed it, the topic was Emotional Intelligence. I thought I’d share some tidbits with you. Emotional Intelligence, to me, is the ability to take in the information your emotions are giving you and make a decision using that information.

Consider the adage that “Feelings are not emergencies.” Your feelings are there to give you information. You don’t have to have those feelings right as they happen. In fact, look at past experiences. When you have acted on those immediate feelings, how did it work out? Usually acting from this place doesn’t lead to the best results.

Here’s another way of looking at this. In some of the trainings I do, I say and do something a bit dramatic that everyone sees. When I’m done I ask people how they feel, what they saw, what I meant, etc..

I get a variety of interpretations of what happened. Many different feelings are triggered and many different ideas as to what my intention was. Some people make assumptions about my mood, some about their safety and some about what really happened. Rarely are they right about what I meant and my intention.

This illustrates how our immediate feelings and reactions are often unreliable. (It also opens the door for communications training. Misunderstandings like these can easily be avoided.)

The reason so many people saw, felt and assumed differently is that their interpretation came from their life experiences. These experience create “filters” or lenses that influence how we see the world. These filters can color our experiences and trigger feelings that often times have nothing to do with the present.

TIP 1: When someone does something and it triggers a strong unpleasant feeling, often it’s merely a situation clanging on a filter – and you’re having a past reaction to a present situation.

TIP 2: Remember, feelings aren’t emergencies. Gather information about what is really happening and respond… rather than react.

TIP 3: When you notice a strong feeling, take a breath and look to see what’s really going on. Take a break if you need.

If you’d like a training on this topic, give me a call. I’d be glad to help.

Best,

Paul Figueroa

Peace Enforcement LLC

www.PeaceEnforcement.com

206-650-5364

Keywords: Staff Development, Staff Training, Leadership, workplace improvement, productivity, conflict resolution, training, consulting, Seattle Speaker, Inspirational Speaker

A “formal” definition of a Bully is: “A blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.”  To me, that’s an extreme example.  A person can bully without “blustering” and they don’t need a “smaller or weaker” person to try it.  Workplace Bullying just speaks to where it’s happening.

If you look at it this way I think it will help.  Bullying is really a misuse of power. It can be violent or passive, verbal or physical, overt or covert, and it can harm someone emotionally, physically or both. The stress from the event, or fear of it happening again, can cause emotional and/or health challenges.  Gossiping also can be a form of bullying and so can manipulating someone.  In all its forms, bullying is when someone is trying to get what they want and are forcing, or trying to force another.  Also, consider even in it’s mildest form, bullying is a form of violence and is not to be taken lightly.

Bullying by Managers

Managers may be bullying and not even know it.  It shows up in leadership as pushing your agenda.  Someone that listens to someone’s ideas and forces their own with out really considering what the other said.

One of the many detriments to manager’s bullying is that morale and productivity decrease dramatically.  The manager loses the team, and the staff being bulled, harassed or manipulated will spend more time grousing, gossiping, worrying or complaining.

I’ve come across several people that work “virtually” and have experienced even more bullying.  This is a variation on the “Cyber bullying” we’re all used to.  One person would get yelled at on the phone by their boss.  They were given unrealistic goals to achieve, treated poorly and not respected.  The worker’s stress level was very high and they had thought of quitting several times.

Another person worked as a virtual assistant thinking that working from home would bring in income and increased flexibility.  They quickly found how easy it was for their clients to be verbally abusive and again to have unrealistic expectations placed on them.

It’s easier for this form of “Cyber bullying” to happen because the manager didn’t have regular “in person” interaction with the staff.  This makes it easier for the manager to go into the negative and abusive behavior.  Bottom line, it’s the internet “virtual” syndrome.  You don’t see the other person so it doesn’t seem as real and it’s easy to misuse and abuse someone.  It’s the fact that people find it easier to email someone in a harmful way or post something in cyberspace.  They act much differently when they have to see the person.

How to tell if Bullying is going on in your Workplace.

How is the morale in the workplace?  Is your productivity where it should be?  Does it feel like people are walking on eggshells?

Ask direct questions of your staff to find out what’s going on.  Consider a confidential workplace survey.  This will help you discover what’s really going.  As is so in all conflict, ignoring does not make the problem go away.  The elephant in the room only gets bigger.

Helpful Tips if You’re Being Bullied.

Tip 1: Realize the bullying really isn’t about you.  It’s about the person that’s misusing their power and how YOU react to it.  Don’t take their behavior personally.  Take an objective look at the situation and decide what steps to take

Tip 2: Try some stress management techniques.  One easy idea is to remember that whatever is going on is only temporary.  You will be able to handle it.  Get help if you need.

Tip 3: Low self esteem is one of the causes of the bullying, or at the least, why people don’t speak up.   Remember who you are, confront any of your fears you have and take a realistic look of what to do next.

Tip 4: Respond, don’t react.  One of the reasons the Bullying dynamic happens is to replicate old patterns.  It’s your job not to react to it.  Remember to think.  If you react, you’re not thinking and odds are you’re doing the same thing you’ve done before – and you’re merely expecting a different result.

Signs your Manager is Bullying

When Managers “micro manage” or misuse their power they often do it because they are afraid.  They may be afraid they aren’t good enough at managing people, that they won’t meet a quota, milestone or deadline, or they’re afraid of failing.

As an organization ask yourself these questions:

How are your leaders, really?  How do they treat their staff?  Are they under a lot of stress at work or pressure to succeed?  How is their overall mental health?  Are they being micro managed?  Are you cultivating a culture of trust at your company?

Helpful Tips to Prevent Bullying from your Managers

Tip 1: Promote a culture of trust in your workplace and focus on what you’re trying to create. Remember that 95% of what you’re doing is working, unless you focus on the 5%, then it feels like it isn’t.   What you focus on, whether it’s fact or not, gets bigger.

Tip 2: Encourage staff development and training.  Help build your managers confidence by providing them with the tools they need to succeed.  Their productivity will improve and your company will thank you for it.

Tip 3: Have clear expectations and attainable goals.  Have someone you trust review your business’s expectations and goals.  If they are unrealistic you’ll create undo stress and strain on your staff and morale.  And so you know, your staff knows if they’re realistic even if you don’t.

Tip 4: Don’t run your organization from a place of fear.  If you are fearful, if the culture is fearful, more mistakes will happen.  From a practical standpoint, your staff won’t be spending time working on tasks, they’ll be spending time dealing with the culture and production will slow.  It flat out isn’t effective.

____________________

If Bullying is happening at your workplace, and / or you’d like to change the way you or your managers manage, give me a call at 206-650-5364.

I do Compassionate Leadership trainings to help managers learn new skills.

My Seven Steps to Phenomenal Management helps you make changes in the way you lead and/ or make the changes you want in your company.

My Power, Communication and Teamwork training helps your whole team and/ or company change for the better.

My Creating Positive Changes in the Workplace helps create the changes you want at work.

Do call if you’re having trouble.  I can help.

Keywords: Gossip Prevention, Bully Prevention, Workplace, Staff Development, Staff Training, Management, Workplace Improvement

For over 12 years I was a police officer with King County Sheriff’s Department.  During that time I saw a multitude of conflicts that had extremely violent endings.  What I came to notice was that poor self esteem was at the core of most every harmful conflict.  This holds true in the extreme with physical assaults, yelling matches that make no sense, and yes, bullying.

You see, the topic at hand really isn’t the issue.  It’s not about someone having “four eyes” or “looking funny” or “that was a lame move”.  What’s really happening is the bully is trying to make the bullied feel bad about themselves.  Once the child being bullied believes this, the bullying can continue, and continue, and continue.

Another way to look at school bullying is that the child being bullied being invited, and sometimes forced, to believe the negative things the bully is saying.   If the child being bullied doesn’t believe the negative, the road to solution is much easier.  This is one of the reasons why the victims of bullying often don’t report it.  A youngster with high self esteem may tell the bully to stop, not let the event bug them or tell an adult.

Perfect examples are the recent bully suicides, or “bullycides.”  This is where the bullied believes what the bully says and loses a sense of who they are – to the extreme.

Truly, someone being a bully is merely inviting the child to believe something negative.  Help your child to not go there.  Support them to problem solve from a place of high self esteem, and the outcome will be much better.

Helping the Child that’s been Bullied:

STEP 1:

Ask them to tell you what they think being bullied means about them, and really look at it.  Do they think that because they are being called names it means:

I don’t belong       I’m not good enough      I don’t matter     I’m not important      I’m not capable

I’m not worthy      I’m un-loveable      I’m bad       I’m stupid

It may be one, two or more of these.  Ask them which one has the most energy or feels “biggest”.  Now, ask them if it’s really true they aren’t “good enough”, that they “don’t matter.”    Help them get to the place where they realize the opposite of the negative belief: the truth of who they are!

Once you’ve found the phrase, you’ve discovered what the real conversation is.  The bully is trying to make the child feel like they “don’t belong.”  If the child believes it, they go into a funk, and the ensuing difficulty is about believing they “don’t belong.”

STEP 2:

Help the child being bullied to feel better about who they are.  When the bully picks on them again, they now have something they can tell themselves, “I belong.”  (Make sure the child thinks this in their mind and doesn’t say it aloud.)

Do some “role plays” with them to help the bullied child get a new kinesthetic experience and increase their confidence and esteem.  Say “Action” and play the bully.  Say things similar to what the bully has been saying.  You want to create a practice environment that’s safe – so they can experience success in a safe way.  Say “Cut” and coach the child to make the new choice, thinking positive beliefs to themselves, walking away and going to an adult if needed.

Do this several times until the child gets a new, positive experience with the situation.   Follow up with them and see how things went with the next interaction they have.  I’ve done this with children, and the very next experience with the bully is much less intense.  They feel better about themselves and ask an adult for help.

Need Help?

If you know a child having challenges, I’m doing a public “Positive Choices with Bullies” workshop in Shoreline on October 2nd, 2010.  Call 206-801-2600 to register or call me at 206-650-5364.

If you’d like to advocate for children, I provide successful bullying prevention assemblies in schools for all ages.  Please recommend me to the principal and / or give me a call.

Best,

Paul Figueroa
Peace Enforcement LLC
206-650-5364
www.PeaceEnforcement.com

My definition for bullying is that bullying is a “Misuse of Power.”  Easy, isn’t it?  This explains how it can occur to (or by) a four year old, a teenager, or anyone.

Bullying – Five Signs:

Bullying may be happening if your child:

1.)  Becomes more quiet, sad or dejected.

2.)  Displays unexpected anger or frustration.

3.)  Avoids sharing a certain topic.  Example:  They used to love sharing how school went and now they just blow it off or say it was “fine” or “okay”.

4.)  Changes their behavior or their energy level drops.  You may notice they are more secretive about things (other than the appropriate teenager separation that occurs).

5.)  Creates excuses for not doing things he or she used to.

Recognizing bullying is often easy, and sometimes it’s difficult.  This is because the changes in the child can be subtle and happen over a long period of time.  You may just get the sense that something is “off”.  If you’re not sure, ask.

STEP 1:  Helping a Child that’s Being Bullied

Help them to not take the behavior from the bully personally.  This can be hard since the bully often picks directly on the child.  The big clue here is to help the child  know that the bully’s behavior is not about them.  It’s about the poor choices the bully is making and the personal challenges the bully is facing.

Help bolster the child’s esteem by letting them know they are awesome, amazing, and the bully’s behavior isn’t about them.  Sometimes people do mean things.  Support the child to not adapt and change who they are because of the outside stimulus.  Help them to not buy into the negative things being said about them.  (Sound familiar as adults?  You bet!)

Suggest they look at the whole experience differently.  Help them to remember who they are by sharing affirmations with them.  Let them know they do belong, they are important, they matter, are capable and worthy of good things in their life.  Once they remember the truth of who they are, their mood and energy will shift.

STEP 2:  Advocate for their safety.

It’s a parent’s job to help them feel safe.  I remember watching a bullying prevention video a few years ago… they had all these tips for children to try, and not one of them was to ask for help or ask an adult.  What’s true is it’s not a child’s job to sort through all of this on their own.  That’s what parents and adults are for.  (If you doubt this, think of how easy it is for YOU to handle conflict.  Now imagine you’re doing it at 12 or say 6.  It doesn’t make any sense.)

If it’s happening at their school, consider talking with the other child’s parents or their teacher.  The idea is to advocate for their safety.  If you’re a child care provider and this is happening at your workplace, apply the pre-defined structure you have to deal with bullying when it happens.  It’s important that this structure is fair, loving and consistently applied.

Qualities of Successful Pre-Defined Structure:

1.  A simple and easily understood definition of bullying.

2.  Clear explanation of how to treat each other – and that you expect that from them.

3.  A loving system of consequences for negative behavior
and rewards for positive behavior.

4.  Let them know the structure as far in advance as you can.

Remember, it’s important that the bully receive a consequence to support them to change their behavior. Be sure to include support for the bully and victim and educate all the children on how to treat each other with respect – no matter the circumstance.

Need Help?

If you’d like, and you’re in the Everett / Snohomish County area, tune in to 90.7 FM / KSER studio on Friday, September 10th at 2:45pm.  The show will be on bullying in our schools and I’ve been invited to discuss the problem and solutions.

If you know a child having challenges, I’m doing a public “Positive Choices with Bullies” workshop in Shoreline on October 2nd, 2010.  Call 206-801-2600 to register or call me at 206-650-5364.

If you’d like to advocate for children, I provide successful bullying prevention assemblies in schools for all ages.  Please recommend me to the principal and / or give me a call.

Best,

Paul Figueroa
Peace Enforcement LLC
206-650-5364
www.PeaceEnforcement.com

Do you realize that if we merely believed everything would work out okay – how much change that would make in our lives.  I think these drivers are the core of most everything negative we do…

The good news is that they are the core of everything positive too!  For example, tons of problems now with bullying.  If a youngster has a negative driver about who they are, they will be picked on easier, won’t stand up for themselves and almost be a magnet for the bully.  By merely shifting this in the youth not only changes the “out picture” of them not being bullied, it changes their “in picture” of who they are.. which is where all things come from!

Do you have examples of how you or your kids “in picture” creates things and situations?